I'm an advocate for individuality & the importance of following ones bliss.

so a few changes in my life. 

 

I'm embracing them. I've been lied to, cheated on, put down and taken for a fool.  I've allowed it.  I mean, I kept thinking things would get better.  I've tried for years to fit this square peg into this round hole and make things work.  I haven't tired so hard because this is the person I thought I couldn't live with out but because I wanted to change.  I did.  I did a full 180.  I became someone that I thought I would be proud of but in the end I am just really pissed off at myself for being a fool - damn gullible fool, taken for this ride of a lifetime by someone I really didn't want to be with.  But, I was with them 150% through  thick and then, through betrayal after betrayal. 

 

Committment always came hard for me.  Not because I wanted really to play around but because nothing ever has felt right in myh entire God forsaken life.  But after several failed attempts at relationships I decided, maybe the problem was with me and not with the situation or the person not being "right" so I did what I never really did before.  I dug in, I stapped myself in and I forced myself to ride the waves and to be unshakable.   I did it.  Lot of good it did me, becasue after all that and after everything I endured I was thrown out like yesterdays newspaper.  Wow.  It's been a few months now and I am still in disbelief as to how I let myself get here - how I lost control of MY world.  I have never given a rats ass about controlling anyone elses world, but my world has always been very much within my control.  Damn it. 

 

I must say though, it is not all bad.  I've learned a LOT about myself and I have realized that I am a really worthy person.  I never really felt worthy before.  I have realized that I have a lot to offer even if no one wants it - its there, and I am finally proud of that.  I really like who I am and what I have become.  I am proud of what I have over come.   And I am working past the shock and putting it all into perspective.   I will be okay.  I am happy that I'm at a point where I can say that now, and believe it. 

 

I have a few amazing frineds who have helped me to see that I'm coming out of this better than I went in. Thank God for them

They say its real when you don't want to vocalize it.  Well I want to vocalize it but I don't. I can't. I wont.  I think I want to say it out loud to make it real, to grant permission.  Maybe that is why I wont.  

I came to write. I come here to write a lot and once I am here I just can't do it. I spend a few minutes visiting the blogs of the few people who still writing here and I usually don't even comment.  Then I leave, reluctantly, wishing I had something witty, wise, enlightening or though provoking to leave behind.  But I don't. 

My life has changed dramatically. It's not the same. I am not the same person I ever was before. I don't know if that's good or bad - maybe it is neither.  Maybe it's just a part of growing up or old.  But the me of today is strangers with the me of a few years ago. The life I was led has grown a foggy memory to me now.  I suppose I have lived long enough to start forgetting. Most days I think I have forgotten more than I ever realized I knew.  Or maybe the truth is that I didn't know half of what I thought I did.  It's of no consequence really.  It was my life and in many ways I feel like I never lived it.  I wonder if all people feel this way as they start down the hill on the other side of the mountain. 

I look at kids these days - youngsters in their late teens and early 20's and I think "God, what I wouldn't do to have that energy, vitality, strength and stamina again.  What I wouldn't give to be able to be a little bit wild and a whole lot of fun. How's I'd love to have my entire life ahead of me and know what I know now!"   I would be more adventurous, more alive, more committed to building strong lifelong friendships and nurturing relationships with my family. I'd take extra special care of my credit. I'd build a kick-ass career!  I would leave the whole notion of love alone.  I'd marry late in life.  I'd be a health nut and take care of my body, as well as my mind and heart.  I'd travel and I would be a light for others.  I'd give so much of myself  in service to a worthwhile cause.  In that, I would find myself early on.  

All things work out in the end, always.  Though.  While I may be able to think of all the things I would do different early on in life there is nothing I would change about my life at this stage. Though I made a lot of mistakes when I was young, it all worked out.   I have the most awesome kids in the world.  My world revolves around them and they completely fill it.  Nothing has ever given me more pride and joy, or love - ever than my little angels.   I have asked so many times, what I ever did to deserve them.  I can't answer. I don't know. I am just grateful.  The most amazing feeling in this world to me will always be this little hand reaching up and finding a home in mine.  the most beautiful sound I have ever heard is when I ask my 3 year old little boy, "How much does mommy love you?" and he responds,  "With all my heart mommy!"  He says it just like that.   I have never had to fight back a chuckle more than when he has an accident in his undies and says, "Mommy, it was an askident" and just  yesterday my heart just melted when he asked me if 'Anna Kwash' was going to bring him a bike for Christmas. (Santa Clause, if you haven't figured that out.  My 7 year old has his own set of endearing qualities too.  He's a blessing child - destined, I believe, to minister to people.  I have never seen a more beautiful heart. This child loves God and loves to pray without prompting. His beautiful, soulful dark brown eyes penetrate your soul with his soft kindness.   He makes me feel closer to God than I ever have before.  I am a woman who has been blessed throughout my life with beautiful things and amazing people but this stage of my life really takes the cake.  It's not so bad on the down hill slide -- but I am going to hate letting it go. 

I pray that all of you who take the time to read will be blessed.

I guess I give up. no picture.

If I were to die today due, there is not a person in my life who would be able to say they know how I am feeling, how isolated I feel on the inside and how empty my life has become.  It's so hard to explain. I have children who I adore, who adore me.  I have someone to love.  But that's it and it feels so inadequate. I know I should be grateful for what I have, because my many standards it is beautiful. This is not what I envisioned my life to be though. 

 

I don't feel like I contribut anything to life.  My job is meaningless.  My parents are dead. My biological family is estranged. I have no friends because my life has been so absorbed by the little family I have created.  I'm empty these days.  My body is broken and honestly, my heart is hard.  I have forgotten more than I ever knew. 

 

I want to find my sunshine, reason to smile, voice of laughter and life again.

 

Anyone know how?

Does being a no body ever become "okay"?

[sigh] 

My 'little guy', aka Blondie, Buckaroo, My Littlest Ninja and most gentle child I have ever met before in my life had his first eye doctor appointment the other day.  He's not using his left eye. I had not even suspected that - remember, I have only had him in my care since April 24.   My heart broke just in hearing that news.  There were some issues with time, so we have to go back next week to discuss exactly what it all means but in the meantime he was given an Rx for glasses.   He is so tiny that the smallest glasses they had are a little too big for him, but with adjustments were workable.  He wears them like a champ.  They are so cute on him, too. I've always thought kids in glasses were just adorable.  I wish he didn't have to have them though. 

I am huge on heart but always small on ideas. I need help thinking of ways to fix a problem.   it's not specifically 'my' problem, but when a friend of mine has a problem it becomes mine too.

A family that I love very much is in need.  There are 5 children in the home, and because of dirty corporate politics the father (and sole breadwinner in the home) is unemployed as of a week ago thought no fault of his own.  They, like most of us, didn't plan for something like this to happen.  While the dad earned a nice salary, with a family that large and no planning, they lived from paycheck to paycheck.  

Today, the kids were eating a can of peas and corn for breakfast.   It is breaking my heart and I want to help without also putting my family in financial jeopardy.  I don't know how.   I thought about buying them food, but they go through a LOT of food.  I can buy some.  I can invite them over to eat some.  But, I want to find a way to do more for them than that. 

Do any of you have any ideas?